The Messengers (2007)
Review From 2007 (Taken From 100 Things That Will Burn In Hell)
Alternate Title - The Full House On Haunted Hill
PG-13 - 91 Minutes
Directors - Danny Pang, Oxide Pang
Stars - Kristen Stewart, Dylan McDermott, Penelope Anne Miller, John Corbett
If you haven’t seen this movie it won’t matter. Milk can be spoiled but shit can’t be.
One thing I learned from this movie is that it’s possible to have an hour of a half of random scenes and then five minutes at the end that attempts to clean up the shit that was the film. It’s bullshit to put all the weight of the film on the last five minutes. The ending shouldn’t be the janitor for the film. Distribute the weight a little. If you want to have a surprise ending then do more hinting so it’s justified when it happens.
This movie should have been shown on the Fox Family Channel and not in theaters. It was like an episode of Full House. Only the house is slightly haunted. After every action scene they have a sit down and talk about their feelings about the last scene. Every time someone in the movie left the room for something I was hoping they would come back with the script and the movie could get back to being about ghosts. It felt like all the actors were adlibbing all the dialogue.
I don’t believe the ghosts arms in this movie were ghosts at all. This is my theory;
Fifteen minutes into the movieb everyone is wondering what crows have to do with the ghosts in the story. After the credits everyone was still wondering. Who needs answers when you can just have pointless ‘scares’? Other than the relation between crows and the dead in mythology there is no concrete connection made in the film. The dead boy in the film drew crows but that’s an extremely loose connection. Maybe if the dead kid drew a plot then a plot would have been present in the movie. However, he pointlessly drew crows. I wouldn't say this movie had plot holes because a prerequisite of having holes in your plot is that there has to be a plot in the first place. Can’t cut holes in a hole.
Also if you wanted to know if it’s possible to survive when a pitchfork goes right through your chest, apparently it is. One hole through a human chest… sure it’s possible to live. But three holes is pushing it. Personally, I have a heart and a pair of lungs. Maybe Dylan McDermott’s character is the only human on the planet without organs. They were afraid to kill any character. Why bother making a horror movie if nobody dies? I don’t hesitate to say that Casper was a more richly nuance and frightening ghost film.
Lesson learned; don’t see a movie directed by brothers if one of them is honestly named Oxide. Danny and Oxide Peng, no joke.
2nd lesson learned; tickets will sell if you put an attractive, jailbait girl on screen and just let the camera find her ass in every scene. Unless Danny DeVito was holding the camera there’s no reason to have the camera at her ass level for 84 minutes. This movie couldn't even hold up for an hour and a half. This movie was like a glass house and every minute was another rock thrown at it. Only the rocks are really boring.
What the fuck has happened to the horror genre? It’s no longer about creating icons of terror but rather about cheap thrills. Freddy Kruger barely jumped out at the main character. He taunted them slowly and that was way creepier than popping out at the screen. It’s like they’re getting ready for all movies to be 3-D by having the ghost pop out at the screen. The last horror movie icon was the Leprechaun and that was in 1993. Over 20 years ago. I’d count the killer from Scream but it was more than one killer so it doesn't count. There’s a reason icons are gone. All horror movies are now about cheap thrills and not about trying to leave the audience impacted. People had and still have nightmares about Freddy Kruger. Nobody has one about some shitty ghost movie anymore. Stop producing horror movies, Sam Raimi. Stick with making shitty Spiderman sequels.
I did rather enjoy when the movie ended and the lights came up and I got to see everyone’s pissed off face. Sadly that was the best part of the movie and it wasn't even on screen. One thing The Messengers will never cause;
Unless it’s someone so happy that the movie is finally over.