The Lord Of The Rings (Trilogy)

Boring. I don’t see why these are so popular. I’ve always called this series the equivalent of going on a boy scout hike. It’s 11 hours of people moving left to right. Re-watch these and you’ll see what I mean. 

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I bet that pit of fire was 2 ½ miles away from Frodo’s village but path they took made it 200 miles of walking. I bet there was a path through the woods that led directly to that fire. The movie should have been fifteen minutes long. If I directed this series it would be the following scenes.

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My version would be a tragic romance like Romeo and Juliet. Frodo dies of AIDS and the ring was just a mere engagement ring for Sam that the land they live in forbids. Let’s call their land…Alabama. The people in Alabama beat the shit out of them for being gay and force Frodo to destroy the ring in a far off fire so Frodo does the smart thing and passes the task to a damn bird who can fly, so Frodo doesn’t have to walk for days and days. Then he inexplicably dies of elf aids as you saw. Then the last frame is me pissing on a stack of J.R.R. Tolkien books.

If you've seen Clerks 2 there’s an impression of this trilogy and it sums it up nicely. It’s the longest filmed nature walk of all time. These movies even made war boring. I didn’t think it was possible. I didn’t give a shit about any of the characters. The ‘men’ in this movie all looked like women. Orlando Bloom looks like a cute mouse and that’s not manly. I thought he and Viggo Mortensen were going to make out at the end of every scene. It was like watching Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer in Top Gun. Put these four movies in a multi-disc DVD player, turn off the sound and put techno music in the background and you’d invite some big leather covered gay guys over. It would be like watching 13 hours of the opening scenes of gay porn before they have sex. Not that I’m an expert on gay porn or anything…….. Moving on…

    So 11 hours into the making and Frodo hasn’t done shit but hallucinate. Sam has been saving his ass every step of the way. Suddenly the ring is gone. They talked about throwing it in a fire for 11 hours and then they did, whoa, my heart won’t stop racing from surprise. Does anyone lift Sam up on their shoulders? No. They say ‘fuck you, Sam.” Frodo goes off on the boat and leaves Sam behind. Sam should track him down and murder him, eat his heart for strength like ancient warriors did and take his place on the boat. Sam was the real hero. Although given the homoerotic feel of the film and especially on that boat, maybe it’s best he stays off the boat. Unless he wants 2 inches of dwarf wang for good measure. 

    Just so you know. Elves are boring. Magic is boring. Spells are boring. Swords are boring. Traveling on screen is boring. Wizards are boring. Fake languages are boring. Rings are boring. Even the evil in this movie was boring. 682 minutes of boring.

*Ditto for The Hobbit trilogy whenever that shit wraps up.

*Ditto for The Hobbit trilogy whenever that shit wraps up.

I originally wrote all of this in 2007 or so after watching them all a couple of times. I've grown since then and now with the technology of bluray; I've rewatched them all in glorious HD. To be honest, much better this time around. Still way too fucking long for anyone to possibly enjoy. Maybe that's because I watched the extended versions. These movies are decent but not worth raving about as if they were orgasm inducing cinema.