1995 - Goldeneye
￼Alternate Title - Bond Vs. The Dominatrix
PG13 - 130 minutes
Director - Martin Campbell
Stars - Pierce Brosnan, Sean Bean, Izabella Scorupco, Famke Janssen, Judi Dench, Joe Don Baker
I’ll start this one out by saying that I’ve never seen GoldenEye before. I purposely avoided it because it was my favorite game for years and I didn’t want the movie to ruin that. As a result, I’ve never seen a single of the Brosnan’ Bond movies. I haven’t played the game in over a decade and yet I still remember the plot of it. The opening sequence is exactly what I remember from the game only without big-head mode. Bond and 006 blow up a Russian something or other and 006 is shot in the head (but I know better) while they tell Bond to come out and give up. Instead he shoots a bunch of barrels and the cover the men while he escapes on a conveyor belt. What happens next is the most improbably thing I’ve ever seen. Bond is on an airplane, throws the pilot out along with himself, gets on a motorcycle and as the plane falls over a cliff, Bond falls into the plane and manages to regain control of the plane before it crashes into the mountains. Apparently they were 200 miles up in the mountains because that plane is falling forever.
After the credits we see Bond in a fun little car chase which apparently is to the sound of almost porn music. It basically sounds like if Primus did the soundtrack for the porn spoof, GoldenCock. In this scene, Bond is driving with a woman who has been sent to evaluate him on the job as if he was a fucking substitute teacher. Despite her being a fairly unattractive woman (by Bond standards) he still bangs her in the car. My wishes have finally come true that Bond be forced to toss his STD stick inside a homely woman.
So far, Brosnan is the only Bond, where in his first appearance as the character wasn’t winking and smirking at the camera, saying, “Hey…I’m the new Bond. The last dude is gone. You’ll grow to love me more so don’t worry.”
Remind me to never fuck Famke Janssen. Because seriously, it’s a possibility. She’s into some hardcore sex in this movie. She’s basically brutalizing this dude while banging him. It doesn’t look pleasant. Then she kills him like a black widow. Now, it wouldn’t be a horrible thing to die from but I’d still rather avoid it if possible. But who knows where the day takes me? In a scene later she mows down a room full of Russian computer technicians and soldiers and moans during and after it like it got her off. Every time she fires her gun it’s like the vibrations are directly connected to her orgasm gland. Women have that right?
Moneypenny! This is the third version of her and this one is far, far less sad. She’s clearly sick of his shit and refuses to give him any bit of rope. She even says that she was on a date because it would be stupid to wait around waiting to impress James Bond. This version of her is far less depressing to watch than the original suicidal Moneypenny. Oh, and also M comes in vagina flavor because as of now, M is Dame Judi Dench.
It turns out that Famke Janssen and the Russian soldier from the beginning (Ourumov) took over a facility to activate GoldenEye which apparently is a satellite that shoots a laser and turns buildings into the tower from Ghostbusters. Also it knocks jets out of the sky. Basically it knocks out all electronics in an area.
Q is still rocking it in this movie. Which is both awesome and incredibly gross. Every time he hands Bond something you can catch a glimpse of his giant, red deformed hands. It’s like he has elephantiasis of the hands. His fingernails are like green wax. His hands seriously look like they’re going to explode.
Joe Don Baker is back but this time he’s helping Bond instead of working against him. In one scene he hits his car engine with a sledge hammer. I really wished they used just a giant chunk of wood like the one he carried in Walking Tall.
Famke and Bond have a seriously hardcore fight-fuck scene that is so hard to watch. The more he beats her the more turned on she gets. Trust me, this does not work as well in real life. Especially when they’re not entirely on board with it. I’m pretty sure they call it rape when they’re not on board with it. Which is what happens in this scene because Bond keeps trying to get her off of him but she keeps kicking his ass until he is forced to toss her on hot coals and flip her like a ninja. After he gets her at gunpoint, she leads him to a weird setting where 006 reveals that he isn’t really dead. But now he has an awesome scar-face. Surprise! Sean Bean is a bad guy. Just like fucking always.
Worst two lines put together that I’ve ever heard. Bond is grilling the girl that survived the explosion at the beginning and she yells, “But I don’t know anything!” To which Bond replies, “Then let’s start with what you do know.” He says it like it made complete sense. It does not.
I knew this was a good movie when I watched a huge chunk of it and had nothing to say. Basically Bond and Natalya are looking for a giant satellite dish in Cuba in which they will use the GoldenEye. When their plane crashes and Famke lands on Bond and starts kicking his ass, he reattaches her line to the helicopter and shoots the helicopter down. This causes her to hilariously fly at a V in a tree and the line and tree squeeze her to death. It was an amazing sequence.
Turns out that the entire point of 006’s plan is that he’s hacking into banking systems, making huge transfers seconds before he starts the GoldenEye so that the banking system will have no history of the transaction. Sounds like Die Hard.
While trying to destroy the satellite, 006 and 007 get in probably the coolest fight scene I’ve ever seen. They simply kick the living shit out of each other in a room while wrecking everything in the room. They even fight all the way down to the tip of the satellite where Bond drops 006 below to the steel bowl of the satellite. Somehow, he lives but he lands and totally fucks up his leg. When the satellite blows up it all comes crashing down on him. Alan Cumming’s character is frozen in sports-fan pose. Bond and Natalya essentially have a make-out session on a pile of marines. Cue the credits.
Overall, awesome fucking movie. I wish I had more to make fun of for the sake of this review but I’m not going to force shit just for you. Seriously, back off. You know what? I don’t need this shit right now. I have a lot on my plate………Ok, I’ve calmed down some. This was just a great movie and is instantly my favorite Bond movie so far. Which sucks because from what I can gather, the Brosnan movies get worse and worse. The only complaint of the movie, the tank chase scene went on far too long and was insanity. No way a tank could have kept up with a speeding car in the city.