1971 - Diamonds Are Forever
￼Alternate Title - Downtimes Are Forever
PG - 120 minutes
Director - Guy Hamilton
Stars - Sean Connery, Jill St. John, Charles Gray
Forget that last guy, Sean Connery is back! The movie immediately opens with Bond beating the shit out of people while asking about Blofeld. He chokes a woman with her own bikini like gentlemen do. He’s clearly pissed about his wife being murdered. He tracks Blofeld down and tosses him into boiling pudding.
Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint are the franchises first gay couple. I mean, they don’t fuck or anything but they’re clearly together as more than just business partners. They finish each others sentences. They hold hands. Get it yet?
Bond is excited that he gets to go to South Africa and bummed the fuck out when M tells him he’s going to Holland instead. In what dimension would someone prefer South Africa over Holland? Especially a vagina-sseur such as Bond. I swear, he won’t rest until he overdoses on AIDS.
This movie also stars Jill St. John’s tits. James Bond is pretending to be Peter Franks and gets in a fight and kills a man in which he pretends is James Bond. I need a flowchart.
The movie then devolves into a needlessly uninteresting casino/circus scene. An elephant pulls a slot handle, wins and screams in excitement. This whole scene is insanity. Jill St. John’s tits just walk around and play boring carnival games and visiting droll attractions. She doesn’t even pretend like she’s having fun during any of this. She lets you know the entire time that she’s fucking bored and so should we. I seriously have no idea why any of this shit happened other than the producer’s owed a favor to the circus promoters.
Jill St. John’s tits then go and find Bond sitting in a patio chair, reading a book while a girl is dead in the pool. He slaps Jill St. John’s tits in the face and she reveals that she actually doesn’t know who he is. I seriously don’t remember another time where someone didn’t know he was Bond. His disguises never work except on her.
Bond finds himself stuck in what appears to be Blofeld’s personal jerk-off room. It’s a tiny room with lots of phones and television screens. They didn’t show any lotion or tissue but I suppose that’s because Blofeld is a tidy man.
Blofeld is essentially making clones for the same reason that Saddam Hussein did. He is making clones that have voice boxes that can replicate other voices.
Later, Bond gets into a fight with several women in bikinis named after Disney characters. It’s pure insanity. They do cartwheels and kick him in the chest while he just stands there waiting for it. Eventually they end up in the pool and he pretty much attempts to drown them even after back-up arrives.
The insanity escalates as there is seriously a scene in this movie where Jill St. John’s tits get pushed into a car where Blofeld is holding a cat. That’s not the insane part. The insane part is that Blofeld is head-to-toe in drag. Lipstick. Eye-shadow. Blush. I shit you not.
Blofeld’s plan involves getting satellites to shoot lasers at shit to blow it up. Out of all the Bond movies I’ve seen, he appears to have one of the few plans that is actually threatening. Bond tracks him down after learning that the entire satellite control is on a cassette tape. Bond is hanging out with Blofeld and it is revealed that Jill St. John’s tits have betrayed Bond and are working with Blofeld now. Bond switches out the control cassette and calls Jill St. John’s tit’s a bitch and violates her ass with the cassette tape. She isn’t really evil so she switches out the tapes and tells Bond about it like a child trying to please an older brother. However she ruined Bond’s plan. Well, fuck it because a bunch of helicopters show up and shoot the shit out of Blofeld’s lair. Shit blows up but you won’t care.
Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint come back and pretend to be serving them a sweet meal. It should be noted that Mr. Kidd is basically David Crosby. Bond kills them both and Jill St. John’s tits makes a final joke. Cut to a song that Kanye West ruined.
Overall, it’s a decent Bond movie. It’s overly long and hangs too long on the boring moments. Great moments are fleeting. Much of the movie felt like filler because the movie was too short. This all makes it sound like a bad movie but the parts that are enjoyable make up for all of the lulls.