Ten simple rules for fixing this sport. "But it's perfect the way it is." Just use your imagination and you'll see you're wrong.
53. 'God Damn' The Offended
This episode started off as a rant about not being able to say the phrase 'god dammit' but ended up being a rageful rant about my goddamn phone and its nonstop goddamn ringing and beeping while I was trying to record. What you are about to watch is real. The people in it are real. The names have not been changed to protect the goddamn innocent.
52. Small Talk
Can we just stop doing this? Just say nothing instead. It's better than the weather or your stupid fucking kids that nobody likes.
51. High-Fives
We already covered limp handshakes so now let's discuss the eleveated aerial vertical near-handshakes. AKA high-fives. Also I talk about Pauly Shore but it's all in good fun. It's because I hate fun.
50. The M. Night Catalogue
I feel like M. Night's career is one big performance like Andy Kauffman. Only nobody is laughing. Except his bank account. Either way, fuck all but 2 of his movies.
49. 'Manly' Drinkers
Dad hit/yelled/touched me so now I have to speed drink at bars while yelling at others for not misery drinking like I do. Thank you to all the shitty fathers out there for creating these people.
48. 1980-1989
Ten years of suck. Stop pretending it wasn't.
47. Isn't It Mislabeled Ironic?
Yet another round of shitting on this song. If you purchase ten thousand spoons then irony is the least of your worries.
46. Cupid (The Romantic Ninja)
Lonely? You're the perfect victim for the saint of archery/murder. He will fucking shoot you with a razor sharp arrow in the goddamn heart so hard that you will be forced into loving another person. Because it just makes sense.
45. Nextel Phones...
Introducing the new luxury automobile from Nextel: The 2018 Nextel Shitty. Watch the episode to understand that one. Or not. The image explains it all, really. Nextel 2 Way phones were a great and convenient way to communicate with a real live demon.
44. The Messengers (2007) (The Death Of Horror)
Remember that shitty Kristen Stewart movie that was vaguely supernatural? Not narrowing it down enough? This one was driven by crows. The crows showed up with the plot and a family straight out of Full House had to deal with ghosts or some shit like that. Either way let's sit down and talk about our feelings about this movie.
43. Paper Cone Cups
Whoever invented the paper cone cup probaby never used one. It's a quick way to ruin not only paper but also water, your shoes and the dryness of the floor all at the same time.
42. Limp Handshakes
Wet noodle handshakes are a quick way to figure out if someone is a puss. Ladies, this applies to you as well. Just shake the goddamn hand and stop acting like a princess. Fellas, this applies to you as well.
41. The Midwest
To be honest the midwest is a fine place to live. Phoenix needed to escape it though after growing up in Michigan. If you want your 2 year old car to have severe rust spots then this is your place. A place where the weather hates you and you wonder why you even bother staying alive 5 months out of the year.
40. The South (Ignorance Part I)
Hate english? Blacks? Cold weather? The American south is for you! Phoenix West lived in Mississippi for 5 months cleaning up after Hurricane Katrina and despised the place. Here is why.
39. The Lord Of The Rings Film Trilogy
I used to hate these movies. I no longer hate. Now I tolerate. I still find them overly long and boring. Watch as Phoenix reads off his version of the series in which Sam and Frodo are in a gay relationship from the south. It's... well, it's something.
38. Cats
Your cats don’t exist. Stop telling me you have a cat when we both know you don’t.
37. Groundhog Day
A woodland creature sees its shadow and that tell us the weather. We're fucking stupid and deserve to have terrible things happen to us. Things such as burning in hell.
36. Frat Comedy
If you want to see tits then just watch porn. Stop pretending you want to see a comedy. I've never once laughed at a tit. I've never once masturbated to jokes. They do not mix. Stop pretending they do.
35. Yo Momma
If you were on That 70's Show, you are not allowed to make television shows anymore. Stop it. Unless you're Donna as a side character on OITNB. That's allowed. Other than that, stop it.