Hate english? Blacks? Cold weather? The American south is for you! Phoenix West lived in Mississippi for 5 months cleaning up after Hurricane Katrina and despised the place. Here is why.
39. The Lord Of The Rings Film Trilogy
I used to hate these movies. I no longer hate. Now I tolerate. I still find them overly long and boring. Watch as Phoenix reads off his version of the series in which Sam and Frodo are in a gay relationship from the south. It's... well, it's something.
38. Cats
Your cats don’t exist. Stop telling me you have a cat when we both know you don’t.
37. Groundhog Day
A woodland creature sees its shadow and that tell us the weather. We're fucking stupid and deserve to have terrible things happen to us. Things such as burning in hell.
36. Frat Comedy
If you want to see tits then just watch porn. Stop pretending you want to see a comedy. I've never once laughed at a tit. I've never once masturbated to jokes. They do not mix. Stop pretending they do.
35. Yo Momma
If you were on That 70's Show, you are not allowed to make television shows anymore. Stop it. Unless you're Donna as a side character on OITNB. That's allowed. Other than that, stop it.
34. Beauty And The Geek
Ashton has no soul. This show has no purpose. And it isn't officially cancelled. Let this show be a warning to us all.
33. The Real World
LIW Studios does not agree with calling women 'sluts'. The use of the word is only directed at the dirty sluts that appear on The Real World. Which is neither real nor exists in the real world. You are being lied to. But if you're watching this shitty show then you're too stupid to realize or care about that fact. Enjoy your slutty show full of shallow, vain people!
32. Next
Everyone climb aboard the STD bus! Next was a shitty "game show" on MTV or something. It featured shallow people judging other shallow people in an attempt to find love. Love meaning a 40 second hump in the bus bathroom. NEXT!
31. Trick My Truck
Remember that show where they threw Pimp My Ride at the Jeff Foxworthy crowd? C'mon, you remember! The show where they pretended to steal big rigs from trucks to fix them up and then the trucker would show back up with his trucking lap mic and transmitter! It. Just. Made. Sense.
30. Overdose Of Shampoo
It's a serious problem that effects half of the population. Well... the men that aren't bald that use shampoo. It's a goddamn problem and we need to hold the shampoo companies responsible. We will have our revenge! We must band together! Once we wake up on the tile floor we will merge and unite as one!
29. Magic Tricks
The greatest trick a magician can pull is paying their bills. As well as others. Fuck magic. If you're so good at magic, here's a trick for you. Kill yourself. But make it look like a murder framing someone super famous. If you can pull it off we will consider you an artist. If you fail we are all still better off. It's win-win.
28. Renaissance Festivals
To be fair, there are a lot of super attractive women attending these things. But it would be like if they put a 20 minute, hardcore, gay sex scene in the middle of Toy Story. Sure, it's still a great movie but afterward all you can really think about is that gay sex scene and why it was there to begin with. Is she broken? All indications point to yes. Anyway, avoid renaissance festivals because of all the hardcore gay sex or something. I don't know. The analogies are too mixed up now.
27. The Absence Of Manly Actors
In the words of Paula Cole, 'Where Have All The Cowobys Gone?' Indeed, Paula, indeed. Hell, even if we cast Paula Cole in a movie now she'd be more manly than most of the men currently leading films. In fact, let's get her in Superman gear and get her flying, dammit!
26. Deafening Car Stereos
Want to walk down the streets with a megaphone screaming, "Hey, everybody! I'm a huge asshole!" but also feel like spending a ton of money? Why not pour all of your paychecks into turning your car into a mobile ear-drum rapist? Violate the citizens in style!
25. You! Here Or There In Any Weather Then
Grammar be hard. So hard, yo. And weather nor not your a geneyus or not it is hard to remember witch words two use when righting a post online. This simple and ez to rmbr video will help u to keep them strait. Get out a pen and paper and keep notes. Srsly.
24. Lipstick
Quick! I need to look like an untouchable painting! What do I do? Well, have I got an idea for you. Here, smear this red wax all over your lips so nobody wants to touch you. But don't stop there. Also put on this blue cream around your eyes so people are confused what planet you came from. Just keep going until you're more make-up than person. Enjoy your solitude.
23. Popcorn
What's your favorite treat that comes with a hearty cock center? Why it's popcorn of course! Hate your teeth? Hate flavor? Hate your health? Try popcorn! Now available in a handful of terrible flavors!
22. Graveyards
I don't have a big enough ego to need to be have a small, underground, studio apartment when I'm dead. Just burn my body to ashes like an old, embarrasing Polariod from college. Or not. Just let me rot where I fall. It doesn't matter. I'm dead. So you're probably too busy celebrating to get any body removing done.
21. Nonsense Movie Labels
Want to know what to feel during a movie trailer but can't rely on silly things like the visuals and audio in the trailer? How about if some scary or soothing voiced man tells you EXACTLY what you should be feeling via use of Hollywood buzz words? Get off your tractor and watch their movie already!