Introducing the new luxury automobile from Nextel: The 2018 Nextel Shitty. Watch the episode to understand that one. Or not. The image explains it all, really. Nextel 2 Way phones were a great and convenient way to communicate with a real live demon.
44. The Messengers (2007) (The Death Of Horror)
Remember that shitty Kristen Stewart movie that was vaguely supernatural? Not narrowing it down enough? This one was driven by crows. The crows showed up with the plot and a family straight out of Full House had to deal with ghosts or some shit like that. Either way let's sit down and talk about our feelings about this movie.
43. Paper Cone Cups
Whoever invented the paper cone cup probaby never used one. It's a quick way to ruin not only paper but also water, your shoes and the dryness of the floor all at the same time.
42. Limp Handshakes
Wet noodle handshakes are a quick way to figure out if someone is a puss. Ladies, this applies to you as well. Just shake the goddamn hand and stop acting like a princess. Fellas, this applies to you as well.
41. The Midwest
To be honest the midwest is a fine place to live. Phoenix needed to escape it though after growing up in Michigan. If you want your 2 year old car to have severe rust spots then this is your place. A place where the weather hates you and you wonder why you even bother staying alive 5 months out of the year.
40. The South (Ignorance Part I)
Hate english? Blacks? Cold weather? The American south is for you! Phoenix West lived in Mississippi for 5 months cleaning up after Hurricane Katrina and despised the place. Here is why.
39. The Lord Of The Rings Film Trilogy
I used to hate these movies. I no longer hate. Now I tolerate. I still find them overly long and boring. Watch as Phoenix reads off his version of the series in which Sam and Frodo are in a gay relationship from the south. It's... well, it's something.
38. Cats
Your cats don’t exist. Stop telling me you have a cat when we both know you don’t.
37. Groundhog Day
A woodland creature sees its shadow and that tell us the weather. We're fucking stupid and deserve to have terrible things happen to us. Things such as burning in hell.
36. Frat Comedy
If you want to see tits then just watch porn. Stop pretending you want to see a comedy. I've never once laughed at a tit. I've never once masturbated to jokes. They do not mix. Stop pretending they do.
35. Yo Momma
If you were on That 70's Show, you are not allowed to make television shows anymore. Stop it. Unless you're Donna as a side character on OITNB. That's allowed. Other than that, stop it.
34. Beauty And The Geek
Ashton has no soul. This show has no purpose. And it isn't officially cancelled. Let this show be a warning to us all.
33. The Real World
LIW Studios does not agree with calling women 'sluts'. The use of the word is only directed at the dirty sluts that appear on The Real World. Which is neither real nor exists in the real world. You are being lied to. But if you're watching this shitty show then you're too stupid to realize or care about that fact. Enjoy your slutty show full of shallow, vain people!
32. Next
Everyone climb aboard the STD bus! Next was a shitty "game show" on MTV or something. It featured shallow people judging other shallow people in an attempt to find love. Love meaning a 40 second hump in the bus bathroom. NEXT!
31. Trick My Truck
Remember that show where they threw Pimp My Ride at the Jeff Foxworthy crowd? C'mon, you remember! The show where they pretended to steal big rigs from trucks to fix them up and then the trucker would show back up with his trucking lap mic and transmitter! It. Just. Made. Sense.
30. Overdose Of Shampoo
It's a serious problem that effects half of the population. Well... the men that aren't bald that use shampoo. It's a goddamn problem and we need to hold the shampoo companies responsible. We will have our revenge! We must band together! Once we wake up on the tile floor we will merge and unite as one!
29. Magic Tricks
The greatest trick a magician can pull is paying their bills. As well as others. Fuck magic. If you're so good at magic, here's a trick for you. Kill yourself. But make it look like a murder framing someone super famous. If you can pull it off we will consider you an artist. If you fail we are all still better off. It's win-win.
28. Renaissance Festivals
To be fair, there are a lot of super attractive women attending these things. But it would be like if they put a 20 minute, hardcore, gay sex scene in the middle of Toy Story. Sure, it's still a great movie but afterward all you can really think about is that gay sex scene and why it was there to begin with. Is she broken? All indications point to yes. Anyway, avoid renaissance festivals because of all the hardcore gay sex or something. I don't know. The analogies are too mixed up now.
27. The Absence Of Manly Actors
In the words of Paula Cole, 'Where Have All The Cowobys Gone?' Indeed, Paula, indeed. Hell, even if we cast Paula Cole in a movie now she'd be more manly than most of the men currently leading films. In fact, let's get her in Superman gear and get her flying, dammit!
26. Deafening Car Stereos
Want to walk down the streets with a megaphone screaming, "Hey, everybody! I'm a huge asshole!" but also feel like spending a ton of money? Why not pour all of your paychecks into turning your car into a mobile ear-drum rapist? Violate the citizens in style!