In a world where things only happen to beautiful people and ugly villains, a 30-ish male, model is forced to face a dangerous and secret organization. With the help of his distractingly hot female co-star, can they overcome the bad guy/girl/organization in a short amount of time which can be stretched or condensed depending on what the film needs the time to be? Since it's a movie, they almost certainly can and will. I guess you don't need to watch this movie anymore. Sorry for wasting your time...
19. Ocean Based Movies
The ocean is a big, wet bitch and should be avoided regardless of shark quantity. The ocean is a great way to find a surprise syringe in your child's foot. The ocean makes a terrible setting for films.
18. Fast Food (Rapes America)
This is a very sexual take on fast food. Or is it? I don't know. I guess that depends on your definition of sexy you disgusting, garbage human, you. Regardless, it's the first of many poems on this show.
17. Face Tattoos
Face tattoos are the most effecient way to let everyone else know you're probably not a reliable human being and to just look elsewhere when handing out opportunities. So actually, thank you face-tattooed people for saving us all time and energy.
16. Guys With Long Hair
Well we're in full man-bun mode lately so this felt like perfect timing to release this episode about guys with long hair. Actually it was just the next chapter of the book so deal with it. This episode gives you strict guidelines of when it's okay to be a guy with long hair. Obey all commands within this episode.
15. Bicycles
I envision a bike-free future. A world where the cycles of bi are a thing of the past. A world where our children are free to walk along the sidewalk without fear of hearing someone scream "on your left" as they blow by, grazing their arms and leaving them with a graphic shot of their assholes as they speed off. A world where our drunk drivers fear not of hitting a guy on a bicycle that is riding on the road, obeying none of the traffic laws. A world without Lance Armstrong and all the bullshit baggage that's attached to that sack of shit.
14. Dance Movies
Why is dancing in movies the ONE time the ghetto has unusually high standards? It doesn't make sense. Oh, and also, dancing isn't a job. Nor is it a sport. It's just a thing that's sometimes fun that you can do to pass the time. And sure as shit don't do it on the goddamn sidewalk. It's called a sideWALK not a sideDANCE.
13. 'New And Improved'
Pick one, you dicks. It can't be both.
12. Full-Body Painting
Well it's football season. Or it was. Or it will be. Either way, time for the NFC North fans to paint their guts and start screaming for their terrible teams. This is coming from a Vikings fan, mind you. Do. Not. Paint. Your. Full. Body. For. Football. Or. Any. Other. Reason. Other. Than. To. Trick. Zombies. Into. Thinking. You're. Also. A. Zombie.
11. Cowboy Hats
Fuck cowboy hats. And boots. And music. And life. End it. Or not. I guess it's really not that big of a deal.
10. Casinos
Want to throw your money in the garbage but want to add some flair to it? Then a casino is for you. Go ahead, waste your hard-earned money on that shit.
9. Anime
Anime is boring. Anime is boring. Anime is boring. Except most of Death Note. Other than that, anime is boring. Anime is boring. Anime is colorful flashing boring.
8. Sports Bars
Can't play sports but desperately want to watch sports while drinking away your life remember when you could play said sports? Then welcome to your local sports bar. Check out the north corner of the bar for the elderly band pretending to be rockstars. Yes, it's delusion all around at your local sports bar!
7. Vans
Is there any worse automobile to be stuck behind than a van? At least with a semi-truck you can pass it off as a man doing his job. But a van driver is not working...unless making meth and snatching up children is a job. Just because something takes up your whole day doesn't make it a job.
6. Shitty Poetry
Writing your feelings in poem form is not an art. It's just a shorthand diary at that point. We do not want to read your boring diary. Just learn to be clever about it. Deal? Good.
5. Looking At Loudspeakers
Your alien overlords demand that you stare at speakers when someone is speaking over them. I can't think of another reason everyone stares at them in public. Obviously it's left-over survival instincts to stare at noises to determine if it's a threat or not but you can go ahead and stop looking once you realize it's only a speaker.
4. Horseback Riding
Horseback riding is fun. There is no denying that. Horses throw people off of them. There is no denying that. They do not want you on their spines. Obviously. This should be common knowledge. www.LIWstudios.com
3. Mustaches
For the first official video episode of Things That Will Burn In Hell, Phoenix discusses a sensitive subject to all of you victims out there. That of course is the creepy nature of men with mustaches. Or women with mustaches. Anyone with hair only on their lip. Stop it. Just stop it. For the sake of the children. The children.....
2. The Song "Let It Snow"
Christmas is a sexy time of year according to popular Christmastime tunes. Phoenix West quickly breaks down the song in a new light, as if the song were a plea for someone to just release the snow hostage.
Buy the book this is from here: http://www.loiteringinwonderland.com/store/
- The Song "Let It Snow" 7:31
1. TyP1nG L1k3 Th1$
Welcome to the very first episode of Things That Will Burn In Hell. Based on the book 100 Things That Will Burn In Hell, a book that started off as Myspace articles back in 2006. You read that right... Myspace. To buy a PDF of the book, click here: http://www.loiteringinwonderland.com/store/
Episode 1: TyP1nG L1k3 Th1$ 11:10