Another stupid game chose another stupid Nic Cage movie. This time Left Behind was literally in the cards. Phoenix watches the 2014 Christian movie which for some reason stars Nic Cage. Still can't figure that out. Phoenix gets left behind during the screening and some asshole turned off his oxygen. A real jerk.
28: Neon Maniacs (1986)
Neon Maniacs from 1986 promised to be a great creature feature. Instead it didn't explain anything about the creatures and barely featured them. It also features characters that don't appear to have the desire to stay alive. The only question that is answered today is; is this more painful than reigning champion Death Machines???
Shitty Movie Showdown! 2018 Trailer
This is before the switch to B-Movie Battle! So it's officially outdated as hell. Enjoy anyway.
A string of SMS! clips to serve as a trailer for Shitty Movie Showdown! It's a movie review show consisting of live movie commentary, round-table discussions, sketches and editing the movies into the plot of the show. SMS! also features Nic Cage Cast in which Phoenix West breaks down every Nic Cage film one at a time and government shorts with live commentary. It's a strange show.
27: Nic Cage Cast 13 - Mom And Dad (2017)
Imagine a world where your parents actively want to kill you instead of just ignore you emotionally or physically. This is the reality in the 2017 Nic Cage movie Mom And Dad. An hour and a half that serves as an extended trailer for a movie you want to watch after you finish watching it.
26: Nic Cage Cast 12 - Face/Off (1997)
This review is too long for you. Don't bother. I'm aware. And this is only part 1. Part 2 is under Loitering In Wonderland Movie Review episode 73. If you can watch 2 45 minute reviews on Face/Off then welcome. Pull up a chair and help me figure this movie out. Not sure what the hell happened when I was forced into watching the Nic Cage classic Face/Off from 1997. I started watching it in March and then the next thing I knew I was back and it was June. Watch the footage and help me piece it together.
25: Government Shorts 3
Phoenix West is back and forced to watch 2 terrible government shorts. In this episode he will learn How To Keep A Job (1949) and a little something about Social Class In America (1957) which ended up being far less racist than he thought it would be.
24: Part 2 - Ghost Warrior (1984)
Look out for Todd, the scientist in charge of ass-staring. In part 2 of SMS! 24, Phoenix West and Jansen Carlin discuss the 1984 sleeping pill, Ghost Warrior. A movie not about a ghost or a warrior but instead a deep-frozen samurai walking around modern Los Angeles with the pace of a Parade Of Homes. They discuss the science behind being frozen, the movie's misleading poster, the female narrator that sounds like she graduated from DeVry, how to identify an automobile using only a rock, the mystery of the missing ass and the true purpose of the 'increase' knob during surgery. All of this before choosing which movie was shittiest. Will it be shittier than whatever the reigning champion is? Does it matter? Either way, check out part 1 before watching this. Or not, it probably won't matter.
24: Part 1 - Attack Of The Killer Donuts (2016)
Oh snap! In part 1 of SMS! 24, Phoenix West and Jansen Carlin review the 2016 'film' Attack Of The Killer Donuts. Plenty to cover here: the most oblivious main character in movie history, his misunderstood genius uncle releases a toxin that apparently makes donuts eat people, fart jokes every 20 minutes, Phoenix falls in love, erotic mac-n-cheese, literal mother fucking and we learn that simply mashing crusty keyboard keys will fix the town's laptop. Watch part 2 of this episode to see the Ghost Warrior review.
23: Government Shorts 2
Phoenix is forced again to watch and provide live commentary for 2 more government short films from 1951. First is Improve Your Personality, immediately followed by Self Conscious Guy. What will he learn this time around? Probably nothing.
22: Nic Cage Cast 11 - Con Air (1997)
Someone delivers some packages for Phoenix. Creepy packages with vague threats. Does he listen? What do you think? He takes to the sky aboard Con Airlines along with the 20 celebrities on board. Phoenix "The Penis" West riffs his way through this overly long action movie starring a bored and buff Nic Cage.
21: Government Shorts
Phoenix is still held captive and moved into a new room before being subjected to 2 terrible 40's/50's government shorts about morals. Will he become a moral man? He's locked in a room alone, what do you think? Both shorts are presented at full length with Phoenix's commentary alongside. During his review he is rudely interrupted by the doorbell. Who could it be?
Shorts included: 1949 - Act Your Age (Emotional Maturity) 1951 - How To Say No (Moral Maturity)
20: Nic Cage Cast 10 - National Treasure 1 & 2 (2004) (2007)
We knew we would eventually have to watch both National Treasure movies but that doesn't mean we can't watch them both at the exact same time. Side by side, Phoenix watches both movies at once. Will he follow the deep storylines of both films at once?? Yes. Yes he did. It wasn't even slightly hard. Most of this episode is Phoenix passing the time while making Are You Afraid Of The Dark and Ron Howard references. It's a bit long but it's 2 movies at once so that was bound to happen. You'll learn to deal with it. Through years of unsuccessful therapy. Enjoy!
19: Nic Cage Cast 9 - The Wicker Man (2006)
The Wicker Man is the lamest superhero story ever told. His only super power was the abilities to yell at school girls and punch women in the face. Don't get us wrong, those are both great powers but they can only get you so far in life. Prison. That's how far you can get. In this live commentary review of The Wicker Man, Phoenix marvels at the most boring actress ever, how much of the runtime is watching Cage wander an island, how every noise is apparently Rowan, how much fun it is to sing Don't Worry, Be Epi and he even attempts to figure out why Cage has visions that are never explained. THE WICKER MAN!!! Find out exactly how Ghost Rider got on fire in this prequel.
18: Nic Cage Cast 8 - USS Indianapolis: Men Of Courage (2016)
Nic Cage Cast has merged with Shitty Movie Showdown! This is the last episode shot before the merger. It was edited afterward.
Phoenix picked this movie because of the insanely stupid looking poster it had. The one where everyone looked confused as to why they were in a movie. Some even surprised to find out they made the movie already. The poster, however, was not an indication of this Mario Van Peebles movie which turned out to be fairly decent. The only thing Phoenix knew about the USS Indianpolis historically was that it carried the nukes that took out Japan. Yep. That is all over with less than an hour into the 2 hour 10 minute long movie. The rest of the film is...something incredibly unepected. Watch out for sharks. Or just leave your feet dangling in the water. It's your preference.
Music by Bensound.com Song used: Straight
17: Nic Cage Cast 7 - Industrial Symphony No. 1: The Dream Of The Brokenhearted (1990)
Nic Cage Cast has merged with B-Movie Battle! This episode was recorded before the merger but edited afterward.
In this TV movie from human filmmaker David Lynch, Nic Cage stars as a guy on the phone for 20 seconds before never being seen or heard from again. Perhaps someone should have paid the ghost so he would be in more of the film. The rest of the 55 minute runtime is filled with a bizarre stage production consisting of noises and strange people doing stupid things while people flash lights at them in a desperate attempt to make it look weird and meaningfull. Hot Topic: The Movie was as much fun as it sounds.
16: Nic Cage Cast 6 - Zandalee
Nic Cage Cast has merged with B-Movie Battle! Original airdate 3.22.17
Nic Cage Cast is different now. Gone are the long reviews about the movie. Now the show has more variety to keep in line with the Shitty Movie Showdown! reviews. After all, Phoenix IS kidnapped and held in an undisclosed location so he might as well watch some Cage movies, right?
What Nic Cage movie will it be this time? Only the Gods know. And by gods, we mean ping pong balls thrown into a bucket. It truly was a random selection this time around. This is one angry review.
15: Nic Cage Cast 5 - Pay The Ghost (2015)
Nic Cage Cast has merged with B-Movie Battle! Original airdate: 2.1.17
What happens when you cast Nic Cage in a movie where his child is stolen by a ghost witch? The answer is: not much. He doesn't scream at strangers for his child enough. He only gets in ONE fist-fight with a ghost witch. He doesn't do...well, anything for the most part. What a letdown.
14: Nic Cage Cast 4 - City Of Angels (1998)
Nic Cage Cast has merged with B-Movie Battle! Original airdate 11.27.16
There is a god. And he's a huge dick. In this Nic Cage classic, Nic plays a literal angel named Seth that falls in love with pre-surgery Meg Ryan. Then he has to murder himself to be with her. He gets inside that hot hot Meg Ryan body exactly once before she is killed. Oh, spoiler alert for the movie City Of Angels. You had 18 years to watch it and you waited until right now to read up on it? A review show on the movie wasn't a good place to start. I don't feel bad for you. You should go make yourself a human.
Music: "Straight" by Bensound.com
13: Nic Cage Cast 3 - Trapped In Paradise (1994)
Nic Cage Cast has merged with B-Movie Battle! Original airdate 7.7.16
The internet chose Trapped In Paradise as the next Nic Cage movie for Phoenix to watch. A movie starring three legends of SNL: Dana Carvey, Jon Lovitz and... Nic Cage. In this review, he reflects back on how he used to enjoy the movie as a child, somehow. He discusses the plot in an out of order fashion because this movie has almost no plot other than having to leave town. Oh, and this movie has the sensitivity of an Adam Sandler movie toward the mentally challenged. What kind of Cage is in this film? Find out by watching the episode, obviously.
12: Nic Cage Cast 2 - Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance (2011)
Nic Cage Cast has merged with B-Movie Battle! Original airdate 6.22.16
Now, let's be clear. Phoenix is NOT reviewing the movies but instead reviewing Nic Cage's performance in the movies. Also, this is a video show. This podcast is the audio track only so for the full experience click here: Loitering In Wonderland YouTube page.
Phoenix watched Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance because a website randomly generated it as the next movie despite Phoenix not remembering the first Ghost Rider 'film'. With the use of clips from the movie, Phoenix will tell you exactly why this movie didn't work. Lack of movie enjoyment did not alleviate the swelling in his Cagerection. Now I really wish we titled this show "Cagerection." Is it too late to change it?