15: Chapter 3 (603)

In this episode, Phoenix talks about rough sex in the woods. Barely. But enough. The show introduces one of the greatest characters to do an impression of: Cricket. He's basically just the Poltergeist lady mixed with Truman Capote. So much fun to impersonate!

14: Chapter 2 (602)

In this...this episode is pointless so let's get it over with. The only thing this episode adds is the addition of Flora and then the subtraction of Flora. It easily could have been tagged onto the end of episode 1 or the beginning of episode 3. Nobody is spooked out by killer nurses, AHS. Nobody. 

13: Chapter 1 (601)

Had to record this episode twice because it didn't record. Super happy about that but Phoenix kept up the enthusiasm and tried to repeat himself verbatim. It's easier to do when you're a comic and are used to doing exactly that. Welcome to season 6 of AHS! Phoenix likes the new season so far but is also wary of being burned by the show like in past seasons. With that being said... Witches? Again? Fuck.

12: Be Our Guest (512)

The season is over. We are all free from the hotel. Rejoice. Tell your children what happened here. How a show that had 7 consecutive shitty episodes ended up having 5 straight good ones and somehow people were tricked into watching a 6th season. In this episode Phoenix plays more Nada Surf Popular and John Lowe talking so you really can hear how he sounds just like him. He also talks about the episode he watched. Afterward, he guesses what the next season will be while listing which actors he hopes returns to what type of role. None of which will come true because this show is like an abusive boyfriend. It hits you a lot but sure...it's out of love. It's not a bad guy. It's trying. It's going to get a job soon. Well, soonish. I mean, you didn't lose the baby weight like you promised but whatever. It's working on it and it's complicated alright? Back off. *Smack* Why do you make me do this to you? Keep watching.

11: Battle Royale (511)

In this episode Phoenix talks about how fucked up Sally truly is. How her hanging out in what can be lovingly referred to as "the body room" reminded him of the trash room he had in college. He also talks about Lady Gaga's neon lights, the weird D&D / rock-paper-scissors math of the battle between humans, vampires, ghosts and witches and then he talks about the paperwork involved in rushing Donovan's cremation for Iris and if it was an abuse of power on Liz's part to do so. 

10: She Gets Revenge (510)

She done got it. Revenge that is. Whoever SHE is. Revenge was apparently gotten. Anyway, the third good episode in a row! A new season 5 record! Lady Gaga can't act like a grieving widow to save her vampire life or economic status. Those goddamn vampire bastard kids finally get what they deserve. Iris and Liz are amazing as The Boondocks Saints. Liz also has a really sweet scene with her son that Phoenix genuinely was moved by. He takes no shame in admitting that.

9: She Wants Revenge (509)

She gonna get it! In this episode, Phoenix is glad the show stuck with the "not shitty" motif of episode 508. It's definitely a theme the show should fully adapt. This episode is full of double crossings and possible suspects for females wanting revenge. Does the title refer to Countess, Liz, Iris, Alex or Natacha? We will never know. Until the next episode, probably.

8: The Ten Commandments Killer (508)

This episode is great. No sarcasm there. This episode tells a solid story that doesn't get bogged down with pointless side characters or super long sex scenes with white people. I mean, there is still white-on-white sex but it's minimal. This episode explains SO MUCH that it actually made Phoenix like John Lowe's character and is a crucial turning point in the season. Phoenix took a 7 month break form the show 1 episode before it got awesome. Who would have known? 

7: Flicker (507)

This episode is terrible. Great ideas but terrible writing. The 20's scenes are directed really well and the wall idea is great. EVERYTHING else is terrible. Who cares about the random little girl in the hospital? Who cares about the ten commandments killer at this point? Does any of it matter? Will any of it get resolved? This episodes introduces MORE characters that will not have any point later in the season.

6: Room 33 (506)

I know. It's been 7 months since the last review. It's because this season is terrible. Phoenix watched 506 and 507 when they originally aired but couldn't bring himself to review the show. But he also didn't want to cancel this review show. So, he decided to finally record. Anyway, this episode is terrible because it's about a baby that doesn't matter in the slightest. It focuses too much on the terrible characters (Alex, Bartholomew, John, Ramona, Swedish girls) and not enough on the great ones (Liz, Tristan, March, Sally, Iris). Plus, John and Alex's daughter is going to have some severe abandonment issues later in life. 

5: Room Service (505)

In this episode everyone is becoming a vampire. We have like 40 new vampires to the cast and they are all quickly forgotten about. Also, Phoenix explains his true feelings toward transgender/transvestite people (not his true feelings). He also talks about how much he enjoyed 2/3 of this episode. Millennials are annoying people that are supposed to be killed (or so the show says). 

4: Devil's Night (504)

In this episode, Phoenix talks about the boring performance by Wes Bentley, how Evan Peters and Finn Wittrock are the saving graces of the show this season and how awesome of an idea this episode is. Unfortunately this episode is a standalone that is quickly abandoned after it is over. This season is kinda horrible.

3: Mommy (503)

Phoenix and Bri discuss the episode Mommy of American Horror Story, season 5 episode 3. They discuss what they love/hate about the show, what characters they love/hate, and what they are looking forward to in future episodes. They focus for a long time on how much Lady Gaga's character has sex and how it must be in her contract that she fucks every attractive cast member. 

2: Chutes And Ladders (502)

The first 15 minutes of Chutes And Ladders was boooooooring but it got much better once Evan Peters took over. We are again without Brent but he will be back next week so don't cry. We discuss how they show too much fake sex in this show, the questions aren't answered that should be and then we speculate on how much we will like the show in the future.

1: Checking In (501)

We started season 5 of American Horror Story and holy shit is it weird/confusing/boring at the same time. We had to run the show without Brent but we had a lot of fun discussing anal raping, Lady Gaga's eyebrows, Wes Bentley's boring performance and other things that are involved with stories, horror and America.